Communication and Mutual Problem Solving in the Family

     Another topic that was discussed in class during the semester was communication in marriage and the family. I think we've all heard countless time that communication is key in any relationship. But it s true! Communication can make a or break a relationship or family.
    There is more than just words involved in communication however. Its true to say that you are always communicating, even when silent. The numbers vary but, studies have shown that only about 14% of what you are communicating comes from the words you say. The other come from tone and non-verbal signals, the most coming from your non verbal actions. I think this means that we need to be more intentional communicators. Realize that as much as my generations loves to text...it may not be the best way to communicate our real feelings and thoughts. I have learn this the hard way!
    The most important factor I have learned about communication however is the need to complete the communication loop with feedback. When communicating there are messages "passed" back and forth between two people. These messages are encoded by the sender and then decoded by the listener. Once the listener decodes the message they should give "feedback" to see if they are right, if the decoded the message properly. Most of the time however, we just assume we are correct and make judgments and assumptions that may not be correct.
    Another factor that contributes to how we communicate is power. Power has a negative connotation for most people I think, especially when talking about families. But power simply means the ability to influence someone. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Spouses should be able to influence each other and the children and parents can influence each other. If they can influence each other then solving problems together will be much more effective!
   We were taught a great model for solving problems as a family! This format is modeled after the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The leadership of this church  meets regularly and has a set time and place for their meetings. They meet every week whether they have something "important" or urgent to talk about. They start their meetings with catching up with each other and speaking gratitude and love to one another. They pray together asking to have the spirit. Each meeting has an agenda and each member receives it in advance so they are able to gather their thoughts about what they are to discuss. In there discussions each member is asked to state their opinion. They will continue to talk over a subject until the have a consensus, not just a compromise. The most important thing about these meetings is that not one of them is trying to convince the others that they are right, that there idea is better. They meet in order to collectively find what the Lord wants them to do! Isn't that wonderful!
    If our families model our family counsels or family meetings after this there would be much more love and agreement within our homes! Learning to work together as a family to solve our problems is, I think, a great blessing. It prepares us to live together forever in the Eternities...because a family is forever!
   

Stressors in the Family

     So its been a while.Yikes! But no worries! I still plan on discussing EVERYTHING I have learned from this class in the past few weeks. A few weeks ago we discussed how the family copes with crisis, basically how the family functions when under stress. A theory that was talked about was ABCX theory. This theory explains how the each member of the family can have a different experience while going through the same event or stressor. "A" stands for the actual event so the death or the loss of a job. "B" is the behavioral response. Its an observable response of the person plus the consequences of those responses. What the person is thinking is cognition which is "C" in this model. All these together is the "X" of the experience of the individual. So even though family members may be experiencing the same event their behaviors and thoughts can be very different creating a very individualized experience.
    Because each person is having a different experience it is important to understand that their coping strategy may also be different. Men and women cope in different ways also. We have to understand that there is more than one right way to cope with crisis. We should not criticize others for coping differently than ourselves. But a great way to decrease the variable of difference in experience is to talk about the crisis as a family. The more the family shares their feelings and thoughts the more they ARE having the same experience and thus can cope better together!
     A coping strategy that fosters personal growth after a crisis is reframing. Reframing is when you are able to take the event and see it in a new way, a more positive way. Imagine the event as a picture. You can put the framing around several parts of the picture. Depending on where you put the frame is what picture you will see. Reframing is putting that frame around a more positive picture from the whole event. It can also entail taking more in, understanding more than just your perspective of the event. Or even "zooming in" to understand more of the "why" in the event.
     There are countless examples of stressors or crisis that the family faces. These stressor are not always negative but can be positive like getting a new job. Whether positive or negative it creates a need for family members to shift their actions and maybe their roles in the family. The importance for family members to communicated their experience when going through hardships is great. The family can be your greatest support system if you allow it! Its important to allow the family to be strengthen by adversity rather than fall apart. I know the strength of our families can be a blessing because a family is forever!
     

     This week in class we discussed sexual intimacy in marriage. Intimacy in marriage is such an important aspect for growing together. Having a good marriage leads to a good sex life, and having a good sex life creates a good marriage! Win-win! Something that couples need to remember is that men and women have different needs and wants when it come to sex. Being sensitive to your partners needs is important to having good sex. The greatest part though is doing something for your partner, something that they will enjoy. When being intimate with your partner becomes something you do for them and not just for you it becomes a really special.
     We also discussed ways we can teach our children about sex. We read an article about preventing teen pregnancies. The article suggested that teaching teens about STDs and other health risk that come with engaging in sex is not enough. She proposes that we need to teach teens more about healthy relationships and marriages. Many teen have been affected by unhappy marriages and some may not even know anyone in their life who is actually married. The author suggests we teach lessons like characteristics of healthy relationships, understanding what is important to look for in a romantic partner,  a go-slow, low intensity approach to teen relationships, how to gauge the health and safety of a relationship, and especially how to enjoy romantic relationships without having sex. These are important things for our teens to understand. But children aren't too young to learn lesson like these too, regarding sex and their education should start with the parents!
    Obviously we should always give age appropriate answers when asked questions about sex but it is important that we do answer our children's questions. We live in a world today where messages about sexual intimacy is EVERYWHERE! If we want our children receiving correct answers, and learning righteous principles WE have to be the ones to tell them. Do not leave it for their school teacher, or YW/YM leaders, we need to be "intentional parents". Teaching our families and creating our families are two sacred responsibilities we've been given from our Heavenly Father. We need to do this according to Gods plan for the family because families are forever!

Marriage and Children

     This week in class we learned about transitioning into marriage and having children. Having children is such a blessing, isn't it? Well, as much as a blessing as it is, it may also be a challenge to the marriage if a couple doesn't understand the changes their relationship will go through. Often the new mother spends more time focusing on the baby and less time on her husband. She thinks he can take care of himself while the baby NEEDS her. Well, her husband NEEDS his wife! When going through this change from husband and wife to mother and father the man will often feel neglected or unappreciated.
     So what kind of changes are we talking about here. well, less sleep is one, which might have a big effect on your reaction to the other changes. Another change is the amount of workload. women's workload will increase by 67% while a mans increases by 37%. This change is due to the women's primary responsibility of taking care of the baby. Sometimes this will cause resentment between husband and wife. Another difference is the amount of agreement between them. Men perceive that they agree on things less, while in actuality they agree more! It might be because women no longer voice their agreement with everything but more often will voice their disagreement.
     What can we do then to make this transition easier? Include the husband in all things BABY!! Allow him the opportunity to connect with the baby prenatal as well as after birth too. You can also read parenting books together. Involve the husband in all the changes the wife has to make in her diet and exercising too. During these changes both parents need to remember to take care of themselves as well. Ultimately, it is most important to talk about these changes that are going to happen before they happen. Make a plan!
   The most important thing we talked about in class is that even though these changes and problems may be natural, they don't have to happen! If we are aware of the problems we can make plans to prevent them from happening. Having a family is one of the greatest gifts God has given us. And our families are forever!

Dating!

     This week in class we talked about mate selection...aka DATING! Yep, dating. How can you not love doing to school and taking a class where you spend a whole week talking about your love life, right?! Well, luckily there is a lot of actual research about dating and mate selection rather than simply listening to disaster date stories!
     So I think it goes without saying that physical attraction is one major way in which people find their mate. Why though? Are we just a society of really shallow people? I would definitely say no! Physical attraction is one thing you can tell without knowing anything about the person. It is an initial way of filtering through the thousands of people you see around you that are potential mates. Which is a second form of filtering... propinquity, meaning you would actually have a chance of crossing each others paths. Other factors such as similarity, familiarity, and your past life experiences and dating experience, just to name a few.
     After you have filtered through the possible mates, you find someone who you want to get to know further or to date. what is a date? Elder Oaks tells us that a date requires the three "p's": planned, paid for, and pair off. A date should have a plan! There should be beginning and end time set and not a lot of empty time in between. To have the date paid for is important. Know you have the money to cover the date but also make sure all the resources are in place for the date. Even if it doesn't cost any money you should make sure that the people or other items you need in order to help you make the date possible are prepared. To be pair doesn't just mean two people on out with each other specifically, though this is important too. Pair off also mean that you each have a responsibility for the welfare of each other for the time you are together.
    Then after we spend time together and are in a committed relationship how to do know how well you "know" them? I think this is a valid question though. We discussed a theory called the "know quo". It proposes that in order to know someone you need the three "t's" talk, time, and togetherness. To talk mean to spend time getting to know each other. Talk about important things and both share equally with each other. Then through time you have the opportunity to see your partner in a variety of situations as well which will further your knowledge of each other. Finally, togetherness allows you to experience events that might simulate what married would be like.
   Though dating can be ...not fun to say the least it is very important. The person we choose to marry and have our families with is the most important decision we'll ever make in this life. Let us be wise about our decision because families are forever!

Family: Genders!

     Genders! Yeah, yeah! As strange as this may seem I have loved learning about the difference and similarities between men and women as long as I can remember. My way going about it has changed drastically since those days of chasing boys around the playground trying to kiss them though! I took a honors psychology class where I studied the anatomical and physiological difference between men and women's brains. Later I went through a phase where I read self- help book after self- help book on men, women, relationships, marriage, the whole 9- yards trying to glean ANY information I could about differences between the genders. I even read the national best-seller "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus"! I say this in no way trying to claim being an expert on this matter! Far from it I'm sure! But to say that this is one thing I'm excited to talk about.

     Most of what we discussed in class did not have to do with are difference or similaries however.We talked about equality and homosexuality, both branches from the discussion of male and female differences and similarities. Since the women's revolution, there has been so much of a push for women's rights and gender equality. After watching videos of some of the leading women in theis revolution I just have to say. "Simmer down ladies!" Don't get me wrong, I love to see people fighting for something they believe in  and am so proud to be a woman in this age with so many opportunities afford to me. But ladies, play nicely! 

    Something I found interesting that was discussed in the arguments about equality is what equality really means. If we could define it in the same way I think we might get somewhere with this controversy! The way I see it, women have the right to ask for "equal opportunities" but to ask to be literally "equal to men" is just impossible. Psychologist and biologist have agreed that there ARE differences between men and women's brains and we all know there are other anatomical difference not only in body parts but in strength as well. To assume that women could be "equal" to men to is to assume that women should BE men. I think we can all see what the problem with that would be!

      The controversy lies in how we can give women "equal opportunities" while taking into account our obvious differences from men. An example in a news study we watched was female firefighters.  In some places they have actually lowered the requirements necessary for the job so females could do it. Is that really a good idea? Personally, if I need to be saved from a burning building I would rather be carried out than dragged out because the person rescuing couldn't lift me. By changing the requirements it only reinforces the fact that there ARE difference between men and women. Women may get the jobs but the can't prove that they are equal to men because they aren't doing the SAME job as men. I feel that in these situations women should either rise to the occasion and do the SAME job as men, or find another job. To have to simplify a job so a women can do it doesn't really benefit anyone. It is not a win for women's right.

   We also discussed homosexuality. I learned so much information that I had no idea about before! I wish I could share everything I learned but alas, I'm sure some people would just stop reading when they got to the tenth page of this haha! But there are a few points I would like to make. The controversy about homosexuality is whether it is genetic or not, whether people who claim to be homosexuals were simple "born this way". Several fields of science are in on this topic: biology, sociology and psychology and all have similar results. They cannot prove that people are born as homosexuals. 

    The popular information out there would claim differently but science speaks for itself. Though they cannot say that it is genetic they are theories for the development of homosexual tendencies. The most logically one to me is one we discussed in class. A theory by a Daryl Bem, a self identifiying homosexual, explains homosexuality from a sociological perspective. He believes that homosexuality might begin with behavioral differences when we are young. For the sake of explaining the theory I will use boys as an example. We are a society that has created gender typical and gender A-typical roles. Now, when a little boy would rather be creative or draw than play sports with the boys we would say that is a gender A- typical behavior, not "typical" for boys. Because of this difference this little boy would be more prone to play with little girls because he has more in common with them. So as children get a little older they start to look at the opposite sex as something "exotic" or new and interesting. However this little boy already knows about girls, they aren't such a mystery to him. Instead he looks at other boys wondering about about them and wishing he was more accepted by them. It is important to note that this longing to be accepted is NOT a homosexual desire. It is absolutely normal for humans to crave intimacy and acceptance. Since this little boy already receives that from girls he looks towards boys. Now when children get older than that this "exotic" feeling turn erotic or romantic. Sometimes this feeling of intimacy will get confused with the romantic feelings. Boys become confused. They will especially be confused if they had been sexualized at an early age by someone of the same gender, which many who claim to be homosexual have. If they act on this curiosity and their body reacts they automatically assum it must mean they are homosexuals. From Bems theory we can see that homosexuality is a learned behavior. Anything that is learned can also be unlearned. There is information out there about this controversy and I would encourage everyone to be wise consumers of it. 

     I know that gender was ordained of God! That men and women are to be husband and wife and are to raise a family. Anything that prevents us from fulfilling our roles in Heavenly Fathers plan for his children is NOT from God. We as men and women have different roles and strengths to carry out in this plan. Not more or less than each other, simply different. I know if we accept our role in the plan and develop further the strengths and talents we have been given we will be blessed. Our families will be happy and success now and forever because the family IS forever.

Families: Culture and Class

     Well, it's been another week learning about the family! We discussed culture and social class this week and the effect that has on a family system. Our discussions in class helped me to understand a few things about the family as a living, breathing, SYSTEM!  I hope I can share some new knowledge with you.
     First of all we talked about how in a system every member plays a role. Systems have ROLES and systems have RULES...just like the family. Woah, connections! So when roles are changed or rules are broken the family has to "reshape" itself in order to compensate for what is missing or what is different. Makes sense, right?
     Well, what happens when ALL the roles and rules change? What happens when you move to another place where you aren't sure what the roles or rules are? For families immigrating to another country these changes happen and it puts a lot of stress on the family. The family system can change in various ways. For some families a majority of the stress may come from leaving the extended family support system back home or from having to immigrate in "shifts" where the family may be separated for a long period of time. Can you imagine what kind of "reshaping" would need to go on in the family to keep them together?
    Another social force acting on the family is social class. In my opinion, social class isn't just about a dollar amount in an individuals bank account but attitudes and manner. A question we were asked is whether social class has an influence on a families capacity to meet its needs, responsibilities and purposes. Well, does it? I think its obvious that it would HAVE to influence it. As much as we like to think we're so independent we are always being acted upon by outside forces such as our culture or social classes.
   The most important lesson I took away from class this week oddly enough didn't have as much to do with systems or immigration. I learned how to true the phrase " knowledge is power" really is! When we recognize the social forces acting on us and our families we can react to them. We can decided how much of an effect we're going to allow them to have in the life of our family. We decide, to a certain extent, what we will let influence our family. We need to take this obligation seriously because our families are forever!