Understanding the Theories of the Family

A discussion we had early in the semester pertained to the different theories of family interaction. I don't feel that any of these theories can explain all the interaction between family members but together they give us a good idea. One theory is the family systems theory. This theory supports the assumption that families are systems and must therefore be analyzed as a whole instead of by its parts. The family is something bigger than just the sum of its individual parts. Within this theory there are subsystem groups, smaller groups within the larger system. They have roles and rules among them also. Another theory is the conflict theory. This theory asserts that two people can not have their way at the same time.They see the family as interacting a way where there is a struggle over resources like money or time. The exchange theory is a very economic one. It weighs the cost and benefit on relationships and interaction in the family. The cost and rewards are considered before acting. Finally, there is the symbolic interaction theory. This theory relates that we are shaped by where are perceptions of events are. Though a family member perceives their actions as loving, if the receiver has a different perception of what their action was then it is not well received. Again, some theories fit better with certain situations. All are an attempt to explain the interactions between members of the most sacred unit: the family.

Divorce and Remarriage Within the Family

This week we talked about divorce and remarriage. Not exactly the happiest topic but you can always find a silver lining in negative situations. The most unfortunate part of divorce is that most of the marriage could have been saved if they had put some more effort into it and waited it out through the rocky parts. It is a well stated statistic that a significant amount of couples that thought of divorcing but stayed married were happy with their marriages five years later. My instructor made a really interesting point when he told us that the marriage contract is the only contract we can break because we “just don’t want to keep it anymore”. How interesting. Something that affects the couple, their individual families, their children, their church, and their community can be broken just because two people want it to. Some say they divorced for the sake of the children. Researchers say though that unless there is violence involved in the relationship a couple should stay together if they want to protect their children. Even arguing parents are better than only having a single parent.

     But each couple has to do what they feel is right. Couples make the best they can out of the situations they have created. Divorce is certainly not easy.  There are different stages or “stations” that divorcees go through. There is the emotional divorce where a couple no longer feels like they are husband and wife. This can happen before they are even formally divorced. Then there is the legal divorce where the contract is dissolved. An economic divorce also takes place where neither spouse is supporting the other financially anymore. The co-parent divorce is complex for everyone involved. Custody can be to one parent or joint custody for both parents. It is difficult because the divorced couple still has some dependence on each other through their children. The community divorce is the separation between the shared community or friends of the exes. Finally, a physic divorce must take place. This one usually occurs last. It is sometimes really hard to cope with the fact that a marriage is over, completely over, even if that was what you wanted. Sometime this is where the “emotional baggage” that is often spoken of in these complicated relationships comes from.

                Of course many divorcees don’t stay single. Many choose to marry again. These are called remarried families. When children from previous marriage are involved the dynamics of the family get more and more complex. The most important thing I learned about these families is that they ARE different than nuclear or intact families. We cannot compare them or their techniques because they are so different. They have different dynamics, different problems, and thus different solutions than nuclear families.  They are also different in the fact that these families are formed through a loss. Whether from death or divorce the family is mourning a loss of one of its members. They cannot be replaced.

 Some of the challenges these families face are: the adjustment of the children, financial struggles (especially if a spouse has to pay child support to their previous family), legal problems, unresolved emotional issues from a previous marriage, complex extended family relations and the unclear roles within the family. The solutions for these are not usually black and white.  I hope no one judges these families harshly for the thing they have to deal with.

It is so important to remember that though the ideal is for families to stay together forever remarried families are wonderful! They can be just as good as intact families, though they may just require more work.  In our Fathers plan remarried families can also be a family forever!

Parenting in the Family

     Like I talked about in my previous post, fathers are important to children because they need both mother and fathers involved in the process of parenting. Of course today statistics show that less and less people are choosing to have children. Earlier in history the ideal number of kids was three or more. Today it’s only two.  Some people are childless because of a choice they made to remain so. They want to focus on their marriage or their career or their individual ways of feeling fulfilled rather than having children. Unfortunately there are still many couple who don’t have children, though not by choice. But for these couples there are a lot of options from different medical procedures to adopting or foster parenting children.

     Those who do have kids… well, become parents. But becoming parents means learning to parent. And learning to parent is definitely a process! In class we discussed different styles of parenting, some more effective than others. One style is the authoritarian approach. These types of parents exercise maximum control over their kids. They expect complete and unquestioning obedience because they “are the parent”! A second parenting style is the permissive parent. These are the opposite of the authoritarian. They minimize any control over their kids! They want to be their best friends and are not consistent in any parenting they may try which in the end will lose any effect it had. But like Goldie Locks porrage, there is a style in the middle, one that is “just right”.  The active parent gives freedom within limits. As the child demonstrates responsibility and mature the limits expand.

     Active parents have the proper amount of involvement in their child’s life. They communicate with their child in effective ways that encourage the child to voice their opinion and solve their own problems. Five steps to active parenting communication are: 1) listen ACTIVELY. Ask questions. Show that you are really listening. 2) respond to their feelings  3) look for alternative or evaluate the consequences 4) offer encouragement that they will make the right decision and then 5) follow up with them later. Show them that you really do care! Most of these suggestions pertain specifically to teenagers but any child should be allowed to voice their opinions and thoughts. It increase their self-esteem and isn’t that what all parents want for their children?

     Unfortunately as a parent they also have to teach responsibility and discipline. The most important things about disciplining I learned is one, to involve the child and two make sure the punishment fits the crime. The best way to teach children is through natural consequences. Natural consequences are the results of the child’s action when the parent doesn’t get involved. For example, when a child stays up really late and then has to get up the next morning for school. The parent isn’t inflicting any punishment on the child for staying up past their bedtime but the child is very tired! Natural consequence!

The greatest jobs parents have is loving and encouraging their child. There are so many opportunities parents have to encourage rather than discourage their child if they only recognize them. Teens, but I imagine all children really have certain needs. They can either fulfill these needs in a positive way or a negative way but the needs must be met! With the love and encouragement from their parents teens have the courage they need to face their problems and fulfill their needs in positive ways.

     Parenting is a blessing from our Father in heaven. He has given us a small glimpse of the eternities. He has allowed us to step into His life and see what a marvelous calling it is to be a parent. It’s a great responsibility to teach Gods children and to be responsible for them here on earth. Our father has not left us alone in it though. He will help us do it all along the way if we ask. He loves our children more than we even could! We are blessed to know that once we are parent we will always be parents. Never give up on a child not matter how lost they seem. The game is not over, it is never over! They will be our child forever because a family is forever!

Fathers, Finances, and the Family

   During this week of class we discussed so much! Finances, budgeting, getting out of debt, women working outside the home, dual income and dual career families, and the influences of fathers on the family, especially their children are just some topics we spent a week learning about.  So much to talk about! This is probably more than I can even do justice for. So, there are a few points however that I think are super important to talk about and make sure everyone knows!

     In our discussion of finances I realized something very important: that finances aren’t all about the money! Shocking I know! I thought that financing was strictly budgeting, you know, recording our income and spending. There is more to it than that though. We read a financing pamphlet called “One For the Money”.            This pamphlet gives us incredible advice about how to get our finances in order.  One of the suggestions was to “learn to manage your money before it manages you”.  The ability and self-control to manage your money is crucial to the family and to a marriage. The author encourages women to instead of looking for a man who makes a lot of money, find a man to marry who manages his money well. What great advice! Despite the amount of income, if a couple or a family can manage what money they have well, they will be blessed. Another important suggestion I thought worth mention is to teach our family the importance of earning and saving money early. There are different ways we can do this. I personally don’t feel the need to give my child an allowance but couples who do can jump start them in to money management in this way. You can offer children opportunities to do extra chores, outside of what they are already expected to do, to earn some money.  Along with instilling in children the drive to earn their own money we need to teach them how to manage that money in ways they can understand. Setting up savings charts or piggy banks are one way. The pamphlet also recommends making education a continuous process. We should always be furthering our education in some manner. Finances encompass more than just our ability to make and spend money but also our attitudes and means by which we earn a living.

     The topic that I find the most important to discuss is the roles of fathers. I had the opportunity to write a paper on fatherhood as a part of this class. Originally I wasn’t sure I was supposed to say. I came up with things like…”uhh dads are nice. Fathers are important.” But I didn’t understand HOW important until I did a little more research. Did you know that 1 in 3 children in American today will grow up without a father in the home?  1 in 3! The fact that I grew up with a father is almost the exception and not a rule.  As I was researching I stumbled on the National Fatherhood Initiative website. This website had incredible information pertaining to the importance of fathers, the effects on children without fathers, and resources for fathers who are just not quite sure how to do it. In one of the articles I read on this website they had interviewed men and fathers about how they felt about the roles of fathers. More than half of them said that fathers could easily be replaced by the mothers or other men! How can fathers not think that they are important!?  Children with fathers have better grades in school, better health, less delinquency and teen pregnancy, and the list goes on and on. An even more startling fact is that though mothers are important, they don’t have the same effects on their children as a missing father does.

     Personally, I want to make a call to all fathers encouraging them to simple BE THERE! Children need fathers. Many children growing up without dads don’t understand what it is to be a man. Girls don’t understand what to look for in a husband because they don’t have an example of what one should be. The problem is perpetual as children without fathers don’t know how to be fathers and leave another generation fatherless. Let us decide to stop the cycle! There are lots of resources out there to teach fathers their role and how to perform it. The National Fatherhood Initiative website is a start. Make the choice to be there for your kids and do it! I was blessed with a wonderful father who though he was busy working, always made an effort to be a part of his children’s life.  Fathers are important and they can’t be replaced. They are a central part to Gods plan for the family. His eternal plan, because a family is forever!  

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving in the Family

     Another topic that was discussed in class during the semester was communication in marriage and the family. I think we've all heard countless time that communication is key in any relationship. But it s true! Communication can make a or break a relationship or family.
    There is more than just words involved in communication however. Its true to say that you are always communicating, even when silent. The numbers vary but, studies have shown that only about 14% of what you are communicating comes from the words you say. The other come from tone and non-verbal signals, the most coming from your non verbal actions. I think this means that we need to be more intentional communicators. Realize that as much as my generations loves to text...it may not be the best way to communicate our real feelings and thoughts. I have learn this the hard way!
    The most important factor I have learned about communication however is the need to complete the communication loop with feedback. When communicating there are messages "passed" back and forth between two people. These messages are encoded by the sender and then decoded by the listener. Once the listener decodes the message they should give "feedback" to see if they are right, if the decoded the message properly. Most of the time however, we just assume we are correct and make judgments and assumptions that may not be correct.
    Another factor that contributes to how we communicate is power. Power has a negative connotation for most people I think, especially when talking about families. But power simply means the ability to influence someone. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Spouses should be able to influence each other and the children and parents can influence each other. If they can influence each other then solving problems together will be much more effective!
   We were taught a great model for solving problems as a family! This format is modeled after the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The leadership of this church  meets regularly and has a set time and place for their meetings. They meet every week whether they have something "important" or urgent to talk about. They start their meetings with catching up with each other and speaking gratitude and love to one another. They pray together asking to have the spirit. Each meeting has an agenda and each member receives it in advance so they are able to gather their thoughts about what they are to discuss. In there discussions each member is asked to state their opinion. They will continue to talk over a subject until the have a consensus, not just a compromise. The most important thing about these meetings is that not one of them is trying to convince the others that they are right, that there idea is better. They meet in order to collectively find what the Lord wants them to do! Isn't that wonderful!
    If our families model our family counsels or family meetings after this there would be much more love and agreement within our homes! Learning to work together as a family to solve our problems is, I think, a great blessing. It prepares us to live together forever in the Eternities...because a family is forever!
   

Stressors in the Family

     So its been a while.Yikes! But no worries! I still plan on discussing EVERYTHING I have learned from this class in the past few weeks. A few weeks ago we discussed how the family copes with crisis, basically how the family functions when under stress. A theory that was talked about was ABCX theory. This theory explains how the each member of the family can have a different experience while going through the same event or stressor. "A" stands for the actual event so the death or the loss of a job. "B" is the behavioral response. Its an observable response of the person plus the consequences of those responses. What the person is thinking is cognition which is "C" in this model. All these together is the "X" of the experience of the individual. So even though family members may be experiencing the same event their behaviors and thoughts can be very different creating a very individualized experience.
    Because each person is having a different experience it is important to understand that their coping strategy may also be different. Men and women cope in different ways also. We have to understand that there is more than one right way to cope with crisis. We should not criticize others for coping differently than ourselves. But a great way to decrease the variable of difference in experience is to talk about the crisis as a family. The more the family shares their feelings and thoughts the more they ARE having the same experience and thus can cope better together!
     A coping strategy that fosters personal growth after a crisis is reframing. Reframing is when you are able to take the event and see it in a new way, a more positive way. Imagine the event as a picture. You can put the framing around several parts of the picture. Depending on where you put the frame is what picture you will see. Reframing is putting that frame around a more positive picture from the whole event. It can also entail taking more in, understanding more than just your perspective of the event. Or even "zooming in" to understand more of the "why" in the event.
     There are countless examples of stressors or crisis that the family faces. These stressor are not always negative but can be positive like getting a new job. Whether positive or negative it creates a need for family members to shift their actions and maybe their roles in the family. The importance for family members to communicated their experience when going through hardships is great. The family can be your greatest support system if you allow it! Its important to allow the family to be strengthen by adversity rather than fall apart. I know the strength of our families can be a blessing because a family is forever!
     

     This week in class we discussed sexual intimacy in marriage. Intimacy in marriage is such an important aspect for growing together. Having a good marriage leads to a good sex life, and having a good sex life creates a good marriage! Win-win! Something that couples need to remember is that men and women have different needs and wants when it come to sex. Being sensitive to your partners needs is important to having good sex. The greatest part though is doing something for your partner, something that they will enjoy. When being intimate with your partner becomes something you do for them and not just for you it becomes a really special.
     We also discussed ways we can teach our children about sex. We read an article about preventing teen pregnancies. The article suggested that teaching teens about STDs and other health risk that come with engaging in sex is not enough. She proposes that we need to teach teens more about healthy relationships and marriages. Many teen have been affected by unhappy marriages and some may not even know anyone in their life who is actually married. The author suggests we teach lessons like characteristics of healthy relationships, understanding what is important to look for in a romantic partner,  a go-slow, low intensity approach to teen relationships, how to gauge the health and safety of a relationship, and especially how to enjoy romantic relationships without having sex. These are important things for our teens to understand. But children aren't too young to learn lesson like these too, regarding sex and their education should start with the parents!
    Obviously we should always give age appropriate answers when asked questions about sex but it is important that we do answer our children's questions. We live in a world today where messages about sexual intimacy is EVERYWHERE! If we want our children receiving correct answers, and learning righteous principles WE have to be the ones to tell them. Do not leave it for their school teacher, or YW/YM leaders, we need to be "intentional parents". Teaching our families and creating our families are two sacred responsibilities we've been given from our Heavenly Father. We need to do this according to Gods plan for the family because families are forever!